Does this happen to you, too? Your relationship with God is like a cycle. There are periods of intense closeness (highs) – You feel a warmth in your heart, and there’s a bounce in your step. He may even speak to you, as He did to me one and a half years ago with the Bus Incident. Then there are excruciating periods of lowness, where you feel you have slipped into a chasm and sometimes it seems like too much effort to claw your way back to the top.
Well it happens a lot to me. I don’t claim to be a ‘strong’ Christian; I am in fact a fairly ‘new’ Christian, though that should not be a real excuse for any behaviour. What do I expect from brethren is a mutual respect for our varied views and interpretations of the faith (barring obvious black and white facts). Of late, I have been painfully disappointed. If I should ever act as a counsellor or simply as a friend, I would never want to talk down to someone, or tell them they’ve lost their faith in God because what they think is different from what you think. What happened to love, kindness, humility?
Today in church, our Vicar brought up the topic of not imposing the faith on other people – and I felt almost vindicated that he did. At times, I’ve felt pressured to say or do certain things I didn’t think were absolutely necessary, as a demonstration of my devotion and faith – mostly to please other people. Deep in my heart, I felt something was wrong. Worse, I kept on doing it, and it meant less to me each time.
I didn’t stop believing in God, but still I felt estranged from Him. Then I realised that it wasn’t God’s fault. Human beings are inherently flawed; our egos are inflated and our viewpoints may not always be the best reflection of our faith. Why was I associating other human beings with the Truth, and taking my insecurities out on Him?
Grudgingly (for I have vindictive tendencies) I prayed for forgiveness as well as the ability to forgive. Perhaps I was wrong; and the other person was right, and I just wasn’t listening hard enough. But in the meantime, I have decided not to exacerbate the situation I face with people, by simply not getting too close for comfort. I’m still down, but I’ll try to claw my way back into the Light.
Beautiful entry. I think most, if not all, people go through the similar struggle, but not everyone recognizes it. It requires self-reflection and insight, and some people just aren’t ready to step back and look at themselves closely.
Easier said than done, of course.
Why was I associating other human beings with the Truth, and taking my insecurities out on Him?
Because it is easier to blame things that are unseen. I was frustrated and angry with God over my Dissolution–even though I knew I was the stupid one. Sometimes its just easier to blame God when there isn’t anyone else to blame (or we don’t feel comfortable blaming other people who may seem more righteous, etc.).
That, of course, doesn’t make it right. But at least we all recognize that.
Hang in there. Peace be with you.
I think you’d have to be a perfect being to keep your relationship with God on a perpetual high. Walking close with Him is never an easy thing and I often struggle. Right now, I’m in the pits. I haven’t done quiet time in months, going to church is boring and I don’t feel committed to my ministry at all. I’ll eventually pull out of it – I always do. At least I still have prayer. It just shows that I’m human first and Christian second, and I fall down just like everyone else.