How my arse was on fire

This press release is brought to you by the Too Much Information department. If you do not like to hear stories of pain and torment (I bet you do, cos I’m the one suffering) and vivid portrayals of rear end treatment, do not read on.
While no photographs of the affected areas will be taken, because I still love humanity, there may be hyperlinking to medical websites to better illustrate the situation. Doctors and good friends may be able to take this. At least, I think good friends will forgive me.

It was an accumulation of bad habits, all coagulating into one painful experience. From yesterday evening all the way to 9 o’clock this morning, I was in agony from the waist down.
Basically, I had and was trying to, er, rectify the situation the natural way. I was actually able to do ‘big business’ up to yesterday morning, although input far exceeded output this week. Things got worse after I came home from work. After a couple of hours on the pot yesterday it was obvious that I would need to resort to unnatural solutions. Home remedies helped only slightly. Eating prunes somehow got the ‘wind’ out, but nothing else. Laxatives didn’t help either.
This was more serious than I thought. I tried to sleep but found myself getting up every hour because the urge was so strong. Then I realised I could not even pee! I had a full bladder but my guts were so bloated it constricted the flow. There I was, feeling thirsty and knowing that drinking water could loosen things up, yet I didn’t dare to because my bladder was also blocked up!
By this morning, my stomach had bloated to the point where I could not even wear my pants. I hobbled to the clinic wearing a pair of shorts that was usually quite loose for me. This time it fit perfectly. My side view was similar to that of a pregnant woman and I even started to wonder if I would get stretch marks!!!
While lying in bed, trying to ignore the pain, I looked back on the past few days, wondering what factors triggered this. I recall telling myself, ‘Remember to drink water… Don’t end up like last year when I had piles.’ I did feel thirsty over the past few days but ignored my body’s warning signs and just continued working, going into meetings, meeting up with friends, dashing off here and there. When I did drink, it was usually just a cup, as it can be ‘troublesome’ to have to get up so many times to pour more water, especially during meetings or when you’re in the thick of work.
Lack of physical activity was also a factor. Until I went for my LASIK operation, I was doing brisk walking or jogging at least once a week. At work, I also take the stairs instead of the lift (and still do). However, after my LASIK operation I stopped all vigorous activities in case sweat got into my eyes. Also, while healing, my vision has been erratic and I did not want to jog at night in the streets with reduced visibility and the chance of dust particles getting into my eye (which has happened before). Of course I have less excuse now because my eyes have more or less healed up, though one eye is still a bit blurry.
Nutrition is probably the least likely factor that caused my situation as I take fruits and vegetables every day (though the quantity varies). I’m wondering though if I overdosed on fibre, because I attended a talk by a doctor specialising in colorectal matters a couple years back and he said that the amount of fibre required can vary from individual to individual. Consuming too much fibre when you normally don’t have bowel problems may make your stools larger and ironically harder to pass motion. So I’m wondering if drinking too much of my favourite lotus root soup (and eating lots of the fibrous roots) a few days this week could have led to a huge sensation of being plugged up. Like lots of hair clogging up the sink.
I spent my time in the waiting room standing up, because it was too painful to sit. After a while I tried to sit, leaning on one side of my body and casually trying to watch TV. That didn’t fool a 2-year old kid who kept staring at me because I probably looked strange.
The doctor diagnosed me as having an inflamed anus and very, very bad constipation. The only good thing is that I didn’t have a recurrence of piles as I had originally feared. After three rear end insertions, I rested in another room for 15-20 minutes for the super laxatives to take effect. While the laxatives melted, I felt a burning sensation. It was like getting seared by very acidic diarrhoea.
I bore with the stinging pain, finally got up and went to the loo, where Part 2 of the Battle of the Bulge began. If I did not win this battle, a manual evacuation would have to be done, and that sounded much more scary, so I did my utmost.
I had sms’d my condition to my dad earlier this morning. He asked if I had ‘given birth’ yet. After what felt like another hour on the pot, I managed to reply that I had just delivered quadruplets with very large heads. I was recounting this joke with the counter staff, and one woman told me that that my condition was actually WORSE than giving birth. She too had experienced severe constipation soon after giving birth, and could compare the difference. She said, at least a mother knows the baby’s coming out. With constipation you never know.
So I thought, if I could take this, perhaps I could handle giving birth. At least the end product is far more beautiful!
Don’t end up like me. While on the potty numerous times, I told myself I was being penny wise, pound foolish. Look at the time I ‘saved’:

  • An extra minute spent pouring a glass of water and drinking it.
  • 30 minutes on the treadmill every day.

The time I wasted in the end: 1-2 days of suffering and not being able to do anything else. Don’t forget the cost of medical treatment as well.
I’m going to get a glass of water now. Or three.


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