Recently in Weird and wacky Category

This month, I received two marriage proposals:

The first, in jest from a classmate who’s attached and was just very happy that I arranged an on-campus massage service which was most satisfactory. (I was also called other highly complimentary names by female classmates whose stress was relieved by the massages).

The second, from another classmate who has been more persistent, though for religious reasons I know it will not work out. I laughed it off this time, but if it happens again I will have to give a clear answer. It’s strange as I’ve never been asked this before, until this month.

A question for my readers: If someone you didn’t know very well asked to marry you, how would you react? What do you think is the best way I should react?

Amusing. What’s got me curious is how easily one can call up Palin’s assistant. And surely there must’ve been some disbelief that French President Nicolas Sarkozy would call up Palin, but then again the repercussions of dismissing the real McCoy would’ve been worse. So Palin takes the call, warms up to his compliments, and then the bomb is dropped on her.

But there’s no major damage done; what’s discussed is the trademark themes of Joe the Plumber (who isn’t Joe and isn’t planning to be the average plumber), seeing Alaska and Belgium from their respective houses (c’est impossible!), the travails of campaigning, and a fake Carla Bruni song penned for Palin. It was all in good fun.

But I still like Tina Fey more.

As I haven’t had time to blog much lately, I shall leave you with a joke reflecting the unstable times we’re in now.

Auditor’s one line report on Lehman Brothers Balance sheet:

‘There are two sides to a Balance Sheet - Left & the Right (Liabilities and Assets respectively). On the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left.’

I was reading Le Monde and noticed this funny kitchen ad. It’s on YouTube too, so here it is:

If you like it, there’s another ad in the series, too ;-)

[Correction: My friend updated Facebook last … but still, she was pretty prompt about her status update!]

At this point I am pleased to announce that one of my namesakes just did the following in this order:

1. Gave birth at home
2. Updated her Facebook status with news that she had given birth Headed over to hospital with baby
3. Headed over to hospital with baby Updated her Facebook status with news that she had given birth

At this point, may I say with all the heartiness of Ali G: “RESPECTTT!”

Vanessa-geeks rule!

Finally succumbed and got my own Simpsons avatar.

After working here for over 3.5 years, I think I have brainwashed myself.

Whenever I want to type “HP” as in Hewlett-Packard, I inadvertently type “HPB”.

When typing the name of a person, “Heath”, I always type “Health” instead.

There! I did it again!!!

Yesterday evening, Walter, Ivan, Lucian and I met for dinner and drinks at Brussels Sprouts, a place I’ve been wanting to try for a while.

In the midst of our conversations, I whipped out my iPhone and demonstrated all the things I could do with it, like taking photos, checking emails, strumming a guitar and recording music on a keyboard (which Ivan liked).

Lucian then unsheathed his MacBook Air. We ooh-ed and ahh-ed…

… and within two seconds (or thereabouts), a pretty waitress appeared beside him and asked him about it. “Is that the…?” “How much does it cost?” and so forth.

After the damsel was furnished with his expert answers, she gave an excited squirm which I interpreted as “Ooh!!! I wish I had one too!!”, and went back to waitressing other tables.

Lucian’s blog has been a magnet for some of my friends in the past, who swooned over the love messages he wrote for his then-fiancee, now his wife. Now it appears that the knight may have a new piece of shining armour in his arsenal.

Luminescent, indeed ;-)

This has to be one of the most high-profile April Fool’s messages ever! Richard Branson and the Google founders team up to pull a fast one on us - complete with 2 YouTube videos and a microsite!

Anybody wants to live on Mars? Perhaps all we’ll get is a chocolate bar.

29 years I've had this name and only now have I realised that the devil's in it. This file was a photo of my (now dead) Maxtor hard drive.

I'm a little shaken, amused and depressed. My Chinese name means US dollar, which is depreciating, and my English name has 'satan' in it.

Facebook status updates have become a new way of responding indirectly to friends. I just updated my status before leaving for home. Then I logged back on at home, and saw this:

Very funny, Nick ;-)

My colleague alerted me to this. At first, I thought she was referring to our Mental Wellness campaign ad, where you can turn the frowney face around and it will become a smiley face. However, this looks like an ordinary ad for travel offers.

Mistake or not, it definitely got our attention!

I discovered there is a science fiction story based on Final Fantasy, called ‘Trials of the Valiant’ which has a character called Vantan. I haven’t played the game so am not sure if this is an original character or a made up one.

Up to now, I thought Vantan was a name that occured more in Asia. There is a Vantan design and culinary school in Japan. Previously a South Korean company owned the domain name vantan.com (now owned by the same Japanese school), which they tried to sell to me in the late 90s for several thousand US dollars. And occasionally I get emails from some Vietnamese people by mistake - probably because of the ‘van’. Lastly, there is a nudist group called the Van Tan club - probably named because it is in Vancouver.

Anyway, back to the science fiction story. I like this hotheaded male Vantan character. Here are excerpts:

The man, breathing heavily, offered his hand. “Thank you, whomever you may be. I owe you much. Permit me to introduce myself. I am Vantan the White Knight.”

A white knight!

The following line was hilarious. The characters were eating breakfast.

Vantan prodded his portion while addressing the engineer. “Forgive me, sir, but are you quite sure that this concoction is edible? It fails to resemble any toast or eggs I have yet seen.”

Onward to battle! Vantan temporarily ‘betrayed’ his companions but proved true in the end!

Alma glanced in back of her to see who would be stabbing her. Her face twisted into an expression of contempt as she saw that it was none other than Vantan. She turned away in disgust, not wanting to see the loathsome traitor’s face.

She heard the whistle of his sword, and was amazed as it ignored her and severed her bonds, then turned and swung down to cast Lightning Stab on the two nearby Knights, killing one and mortally wounding the other.

And lastly:

Gurfastus did not have much time to ponder these questions, though, for he suddenly found himself on the receiving end of Vantan’s Crush Punch…

Yeah!

Monoceros tagged me, so here goes.

3 things that scare me:
Losing my hands
Marrying someone then realising I made a mistake
I can handle just about anything else, with God's help

3 people who make me laugh:
(I'm going to keep this to personal friends)
Ditzyspice, my old desk partner-in-crime
Simran, glamour queen
Kim, ex-colleague with a warped sense of humour [she's cancelled her domain name so I've de-linked it]

3 things I love:
God
Jazz music
Surfing the web and reading about geek stuff

3 things I hate:
Liars
Smelling other people's body odour
People who think they know more than me/other people, but obviously don't

3 things I don’t understand:
Why some people still don't understand the value of blogging and other social media
Why people are still judged by their colour
Why some countries remain poor and torn with war

3 things on my desk:
(Work or home desk? I'll pick common stuff.)
Laptop computer
'In tray'
Lots of paper that can't fit into my 'In tray'

3 things I’m doing right now:
Blogging about this (of course)
Thinking of my flight back to Singapore
Nursing a sore throat and slight headache

3 things I want to do before I die:
Cut an album or three
Live in Europe for a while
Marry and have kids

3 things I can do:
Roam a city on my own.
Write and produce my own music.
Travel anywhere in the world without feeling homesick.

3 things you should listen to:
God.
A new type of music that you normally don't listen to.
Airport announcements.

3 things you should never listen to:
Cold-callers.
People who tell you you're not good enough.
Anyone with bigoted, one-sided views (see above line).

3 things I’d like to learn:
Advanced jazz improvisation techniques
Advanced French
Football (soccer)

3 favorite foods:
Spaghetti bolognaise (comfort food)
Mee pok (it's a schoolgirl thing)
Beef carpaccio with rocket salad and parmesan cheese

3 beverages I drink regularly:
Water
Coffee
Tea (usually green)

3 TV shows/Books I watched/read as a kid:
Many books by Enid Blyton
Transformers
Dallas (who killed JR? I forgot)

Hmm who shall I tag? Ditzyspice, Krisalis and Ramblinglibrarian.

The most popular post on Vox right now is about how a Chinese guy gets a penis transplant (donated by a 22 year-old brain dead man's parents) and then his wife rejects it. There are all kinds of innuendos in here but it is funny, in a tragicomic sense.

I didn't know there was a South Park cartoon featuring World of Warcraft machinima, which became Cartoon Network's most-watched show since 2000. You can watch the episode here, in three parts. Spoilers are in this Wikipedia entry.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Technorati Tags: World of Warcraft, machinima, South Park, Youtube

Adverblog shows us a new way of voicing your opinions on good and bad ads (in the physical world). In Berlin and Seoul, stickers with a happy or puking emoticon are pasted on top of ad posters.

A new type of tagging folksonomy?

While chatting online, a friend asked me about my stolen phone (taken from the ladies' toilet), and said, "that person who took it! may she get constipation!"

I responded:

may she have alternating days of diarrhoea and constipation!

My friend responded with laughter. I continued...

may she be stuck in the toilet with cramps, diarrhoea, heavy flow and NO TOILET PAPER!!!! and ... may she get rash on her face, where she touches my stolen phone!!!!

At which point my friend went, "Enough!". But I had to say one more thing:

may she have nightmares of my pointy stylus poking her eyeballs out!!! hearrgghgh!

On Saturday my family had dinner at a restaurant in UE Square. While waiting for my food to arrive, I popped upstairs to Cold Storage to buy some groceries.

On my way back down the escalator, I realised a Singaporean Chinese man had made his way towards me, and was trying to ask me a question. He was slim and middle-aged.

I turned around and asked him to repeat his question.

"Excuse me, are you Korean?" He smiled, leaning over from above me.

The thing is, I did't think he was just trying to be friendly to tourists. His smile was more like a leer and he was standing a bit too close for comfort.

I said stonily, "No (long pause). I am Singaporean!!!" I strode away, giving him a dagger stare and quickly walked back to the restaurant.

Back at the table, I told my family what just happened. I was then told that some foreign girls get picked up by these Singaporean men for sex. Because I was relatively fair-skinned, I was mistaken for a Korean girl.

Eww! I thought. My dad said, "You should've said you were Japanese. Karate chop!"

At which point I added, "Pork chop! Chicken chop! Haiyya!" and the conversation went downhill from there.

Hi Vanessa,

One-Butt-Cheek-Ted would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

By accepting One-Butt-Cheek-Ted as your friend, you will be able to send One-Butt-Cheek-Ted personal messages, view One-Butt-Cheek-Ted's photos and journals, and you will be able to interact with each other's friends and network!

No thank you. Good things should come in pairs.

Yes I've started a MySpace.com account. Barely updated (as I said, I prefer Vox). But drop me a note if you're on MySpace too!

I'll accept all personal friends, aspiring rock musicians and the like ;-)

I was chatting with my cousin, who inquired of my iPaq:

someone stole it from u?

I replied:

i left it in the loo
someone took it, boo hoo
i rushed back
but alas! i was slack
and all i found was poo poo.

I was roped in to help at an event over the weekend. Taufik* was there. After singing a song, he went backstage and stood around with the rest of us, waiting for his turn to sing another song. Seemed like quite a nice, normal dude.

The weather was hot, and I didn't want our star to get sweaty. A mischievous thought formed in my mind as I was fanning myself with some paper. I stepped up to Taufik and started fanning him as well.

Taufik gave a smile and said no need, it was alright.

"But ... I'm a big fan of yours," I punned.

Well, frankly I chickened out at the last moment and decided not to be so corny. Dang! On hindsight, I should have just said it. Ha ha.

*To non-Singaporean readers, Taufik is our first Singapore Idol.

We just got home from dinner. I stepped out of the car, turned back and noticed a large grasshopper sitting on the roof of the car!

We observed it for a short while, then I dashed off and got my Ixus camera.

Here's my best shot of it ...

However, after several more minutes of close observation it started to stare back at me. Suddenly, it jumped at my camera! I was taken by surprise and dropped the Ixus! Fortunately it's still working fine.

Grr ... what an aggressive insect!

This happened about half an hour ago. It's weird but funny at the same time. Numbers and names have been obscured to protect the guilty party, whoever he/she/it may be.

271734XXX: hello!

vantan: who's that? [At this point, I thought it was an old friend, but on checking this person's info, couldn't find any nickname]

271734XXX: me!

vantan: that's so useful to know.

271734XXX: ale***

271734XXX: yours?

vantan: i don't know you! bye bye.

271734XXX: i know
you dont want to know me?

At which point I blocked the fella.

And continued my own inane chatter with Messrs Ramblinglibrarian and Tribolum. (ironic? :)

I spotted this amusing ad on page 71 of Saturday's New Paper.

I've never been tagged before, and am rather late in responding to Monoceros' request. But here goes:

List three random facts about yourself that your friends might not know. And then tag five other friends to do it.

1. When I was young, I used to play with the garden hose. One day I decided to spray the fence. I kept at it, even though there was an old man standing behind the fence who was ducking from my spurts in vain. My grandmother apologised on my behalf. Fortunately they both found it rather funny. (Also, I was cute then, so easily forgiven)
2. When I was slightly older, I used to pretend to feel nauseous, just so that I had an excuse to drink a tablespoon (actually, closer to half a cup) of gripe water. At the time, gripe water did contain alcohol but I had no idea what was inside that tasted so good - I just wanted more!
3. This one is a little more embarassing. I used to be utterly fascinated with the story, The Three Musketeers (and the same-titled movie as well as its sequel, 'The Four Muskeeteers'). So I lined up all my younger cousins and gave code-named them after Musketeers. They also had to follow my marching orders, or face confinement in a play-pen.

Someone's gone and produced educational materials about a very specialised type of mental affliction.

Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting ... What everyone should know about Blog Depression, courtesy of The Nonist (hurrah, I've found a cool website today).

Bloggers out there, we know how you feel. We feel your pain.

Download higher-res pic here.

This morning, while waiting in line at a zebra crossing, I couldn't help but notice the truck right in front of my car.

There is at least one plumber with a sense of humour in Singapore.

If you look closely at the bottom left portion of the photo, you'll notice his poster says "I have the power!" (a la He-Man?)

Other lines worth quoting:

"You don't have to invite stranger(plumber) or any tom dick & harry into your home."

"Just pump and go. It works all the time."

"It easy. Doing is believing."

The BBC reports that a rap artiste has translated the works of 14th century writer Geoffrey Chaucer into hip-hop.

I haven't heard it yet, but I can imagine it sounds something like this:

Yo yo this is gangsta author Mr Jeff C
Wanta tell you about all my homies
Da Miller, Da Wife and the Prioress
And others who wanted God ta bless

It all started in April
That lovely spring
With showers so sweet
You could almost sing

We each told a story
Some more, some less
Some good, some poor,
Some better and best

I never really got to complete my tale
But that's cool, like 2Pac and B.I.G.
Cos I'm already dead
But my works live on, all in ya heads.

Yes, I loved being a Lit student...

Update: To read the Tales in the original Middle English and Modern English, try this site. The website of the rap artiste has exceeded its bandwidth (a happy problem) so I guess we'll try again later.

I'm proud to say I contributed to the one million Podcast subscriptions on iTunes within the first 2 days. I decided to contribute a few more just now. While at the Music channel, I scrolled down and couldn't help but notice:

However, my curiousity couldn't be sated as I wasn't permitted to subscribe to it (my settings are UK). Dang. Has anyone tried this Podcast, and is it any good?

I just Blacklisted three comment spams in a row. Their titles were 'Buttocks', 'Panties' and 'Nylon Sports Pants' respectively.

Now I'm sure if I somehow combined all three spams, I'd actually get a pretty decent-looking comment.

This is extremely 'boliao'* but I just discovered how to transform voices in Logic Pro 7. It is extremely simple and requires a click or two with the mouse.

For a limited period of time, readers can post requests here, making me say silly things, and choosing to convert them into the tones of any of the following:

Aliens (single voice or choir), Klingon, Robot, a singing Donkey, Darth Vader, Chipmunk (this is really, really cute), Devil (low growl), Howling Wolf (somehow it made my voice sound like Miss Piggy). There are many other effects but I suppose these are the more interesting ones.

Sound clips will be converted into MP3 format and exhibited here. As with the rest of this site, my Creative Commons Licence will apply to all sound clips.

* To non-Singaporean readers, this word means 'having nothing better to do'.

Updates

In response to Albert's first request: Here is Darth Vader, asking you to answer the phone:

The breathing doesn't sound right and needs more work, but I think I managed to tweak the 'Answer the phone!' bit, low enough to sound like a male voice.

[Hey! After listening to the mp3 file, if you have a 'Back' button on your mouse browser, click on it. When I did it on my Mac, it played my sound clip backwards!]

More Vader stuff, since some of you are into that sort of thing. Here's Vader saying, "This is Lord Vader. I am BUSY at the moment. Please leave a message (sarcastic tone)."

Sorry Shin, I don't have a Smurf effect. Would you settle for a Chipmunk?

Has anyone ever realised that the UK's Tory leader Michael Howard looks pretty much like Australia's PM, John Howard?

Surely they have some genealogy in common...

Have you ever seen US Secretary of State Colin Powell dressed as one of the Village People? (let's not go into his singing skills)

Have you heard Bill Clinton play the sax? Or Tony Blair, the bass guitar?

You can, in the video on this BBC Report. Good stuff!

After running an errand at the mall, I visited my favourite CD shop with a mind to reserve certain albums (namely Jamiroquai's Late Night Tales, and new albums from Zero 7 and Sweetback). I hadn't been to the shop in a few months but two of the salespeople recognised me.

I decided to pick up an acid jazz / house compilation album.

The salesgirl / cashier told me how much I had to pay, with members' discount. Then I realised I hadn't given her my card yet. I know they usually keep tabs on membership numbers.

"No need," she smiled. "I remember your number." And she recited it to me.

I was stunned because I didn't even know my own number. I opened my wallet, took out the card and looked at it.

By Jove, she was right. I felt like Imelda Marcos in a shoe shop!

I just hope they don't do the same thing with my credit card...

Now here's a novel piece of news: AOL seizes spammer's Porsche. According to them, this dude made over a million friggin' US dollars spamming people.

Don't just take his Porsche! Take his mansion too!

After spending a few days playing with my new 40GB iPod and ripping loads of CDs, I realised - or remembered - to my chagrin that my own PC's hard drive is only 30GB.

Go ahead. Laugh.

I've been out of the web design business for four months, and haven't received job offers from strangers ever since this blog was featured in the Computer Times a few years ago.

So I was a little surprised that someone emailed me today, saying he liked my designs on online T-shirt gallery-shop, Threadless.com, and asking me to redesign his company website, which happens to be in French. Monsieur wanted to know how long it would take, and stated that the final product would be a mockup.

But I never put anything up on Threadless.com. I logged in and sure enough, the system confirmed I had made no submissions. However it did show that my email address was visible to the public, which was not a good thing. The email was addressed simply as "Hi," without referring to my name. How remote could that be?

Next, what on earth makes Monsieur think I'd do a great job of his website, by simply looking at a T-shirt design? It must've been a kickass work of art. It's making me delusional. Now I'd like to think I did submit something many years ago under a pseudonymn which I've forgotten. Like, it's become some sort of cult legend and I don't even know about it.

Back to reality. I figure this guy has sent an evil bot to sift out our email addresses. He then goes around massaging the egos of various members of the design community, hoping to get a free ride in the process. I may be paranoid, but I'm not too sure if I should reply to his email.

Designers of the world, beware!

I was browsing through our government's Bird Flu website and this bit of FAQ made me laugh:

Q. How do humans get infected?

It is rare for bird flu to infect humans. In the few cases where humans are infected, the virus is transmitted through close contact with infected chickens. You can only catch the bird flu virus if an infected chicken coughs or sneezes directly into your face, or if you breathe in particles from its droppings.

I never realised chickens could cough and sneeze. Hee hee.

Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction

Opinion: As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

And I could see this coming: (Singapore) Opposition to Issue All-Nude Benefit Calendar. Warning: may contain explicit Members of Parliament.

On my way to work this morning, I couldn't help but notice this rather interesting advertisement. To think it took a month to demolish our old house ... these guys could have done the job instead! :)

Photo taken with my Nokia 6600.

Forget IT training for women - marry them off instead, Malaysian opposition party PAS has proposed in a debate.

[A PAS assemblyman] said that polygamy was better than computer training for single women as they would have difficulty learning technical skills, the Star, a Malaysian daily, reported.

You don't say...

Previously, a Pas leader, Nik Aziz, the chief minister of Kelantan state, decreed that only ugly women should be employed by the state as attractive women would be able to find husbands instead.

Um...no. I'll PASs on that.

Today is my last day at work. I've decided to take a break from web design work for a while. So we had a nice company lunch yesterday at a Spanish restaurant. I wanted to share this drawing with you. It is the cover of the envelope of my farewell card. It is our tradition to have an illustration on it, and the colleague who thought up this one was particularly ingenious, since he combined two of the most important things in my life together, the greatest being God, and the second being ... well, you just have to continue reading to find out what it is!

My colleague brought a few rolls of Haw Flakes, a kind of pink, coin-shaped candy that many Singaporeans might have eaten as children. After indulging in a few of the discs, we realised we still didn't know what Haw was. One theory on the internet was that it came from the Hawthorne bush (interestingly, it appears that many non-Asian/Western/white people are also interested in its origins). Other folks have mistaken it for firecrackers, but on trying the candy, seemed to like it.

Alarmingly, Haw flakes were also banned by the FDA for having unsafe colouring. However I understand that the brands we have in Singapore may be different from the brand that the Hong Kong company listed on the FDA website, tried to import. So hold your Hawses.

In fact, this page lists some health benefits of eating Haw, but adds that it's best to check with your doctor first.

I found this little anecdote from the Reuters article quite amusing:

China invented gunpowder and legend has it that a Ming dynasty (1368-1644) official named Wan Hu attempted the world's first space launch. He strapped himself to a chair with kites in each hand as 47 servants lit 47 gunpowder-packed bamboo tubes tied to the seat.

When the smoke had cleared, Wan was apparently found to have been obliterated. But the dream survived.

Congratulations to the three Chinese astronauts. Do land safely.

And it's the most popular weblog topic on Daypop right now. I'll leave you to read what other bloggers have to say about the website.

Now, I'd like to know if my readers in the US (I'm assuming there might be a few of you) are able to access www.georgewbush.com/blog, because I can't. I wonder why...

In the meantime, I've imagined how a blog really penned by Dubya would look like. Maybe like this:

My first post

I am smarter than Dan Quayle. Hyuck, hyuck. Hey, what's that new guvnor's name? Scherwartzetenerr? Oh, never mind. I can still spell 'terrorism'.

All right, I'm mean. Actually, I'm miffed that I can't view his website and read his blog. I'd really like to see how he thinks.

[Update 28/10/03: The Guardian has an article aptly titled, "Don't blog like Bush." Worth reading.]

Via Blogzilla, I found a Mozilla store. Erm, anybody wanna try these on for size?

Using a set of algorithms, the gender of the author of a body of text can be determined via the Gender Genie. Just paste something that you've written in here, and see how it goes. I know, I know, it stereotypes people linguistically, but it seems to have a high success rate.

I conducted an experiment [this sentence sounds convincingly male], taking the last post of the blogs I visit regularly, as well as the spouses who blog. Kristen was determined to be 'female', while husband Mark was 'male' (hurrah!). Andrea was 'female'. Stef too. Her husband Mike? 'Male'. Maria was 'female', as was Jean. Well done, Genie!

Hmm ... actually it didn't totally succeed with other blogs, but I'll leave it at that ;-) Incidentally, my writing style was also 'female', but not for all posts.

Update: More tests! It appears that the author of the Singapore pledge was female (?!). Erm, and so was a draft of the Gettysburg Address. Winston Churchill's 'blood, toil, tears, and sweat' speech was written by a male.

This is driving me nuts. I should sleep. Good night.

The same folks who brought you We Love The Iraqi Information Minister, now have a new target. Introducing We Love Arnold. This has gotta be good.

If you've read any of these blogs before (and I'm sure you have), you'll realise this parody is pretty funny. [First linked from Susan Mernit's blog.]

What can you do with open source software? You could collate information for your local animal shelter. You could, with a Sharp PDA, keep track of medical records for diabetes patients. Or you might want to contribute a country dance via XML, which you then view using Java applets. Take this dance, for example. It even has music.

Another urban legends warning. Randel and Yams were telling us how Powergen's new Italian subsidiary took on a most unfortunate name: Powergenitalia.com (vrrooom! whirrrr... batteries not included. T3, anyone?). It's a real site, BTW. But it took Gak, of all people, to dispel this ruse.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

Do you get the joke? >;-) It's got nothing to do with paedophiles BTW.

Coca-Cola employee fired for swigging Pepsi.

Microsoft has decided to abandon plans for future releases of Internet Explorer for Macs. Apple's Safari will have a field day.

It's official: Andrea See will live forever.

Thanks to an errant comment from a cynical reader (14th from the top), who has probably failed in his/her own attempts at quitting smoking and is plain jealous of Andrea's success thus far. I was miffed at first, but now am absolutely tickled by her response.

The following is taken from a Singapore Ministry Of Health document (Clinical Practice Guidelines for the cessation of smoking):

1.3 Benefits of smoking cessation

It is beneficial to stop smoking at any age as it has major and immediate health benefits even for smokers who have smoked for many years. Within two days of quitting, the sensations of smell and taste are enhanced. Within two weeks to three months of quitting, circulation improves and lung function increases by up to 30%. The excess risk of heart disease is reduced by half within one year of stopping smoking. Within five years, the risk of heart disease reduces to the level of non-smokers. In those with existing heart disease, smoking cessation reduces the risk of recurrent infarction or death by half. The risk of lung cancer is reduced by 50-70% after 10 years of abstinence from smoking and continues to decline thereafter.

So there.

So, the usually hawkish Israeli PM Ariel Sharon has made a surprising turnaround in his stance, causing no small amount of consternation within his own party. To quote him:

“I think that the idea of keeping 3.5 million Palestinians under occupation is the worst thing for Israel, for the Palestinians and also for the Israeli economy.” (source: BBC)

He used the word 'occupation' while referring to the West Bank and Gaza strip, which probably is the equivalent of Michael Jackson admitting he had plastic surgery on his nose.

While I'd like to be optimistic, I'm not surprised the Palestinians think something fishy's going on. Whatever the case, this joke just came in, so here's one for his side:

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Chairman Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert.

The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing -- including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.

"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites - "

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Advanced reading

Proposal for 'Final and Comprehensive Settlement' to Middle East Conflict (A four-page document from the New York Times)

I returned to the Island Club gym yesterday evening. First, I had my temperature taken (36.7 degrees Celcius, hurrah!). Then I was given a SARS-free sticker. After which, I proceeded to cover over 3 km on the treadmill.

However, what marred my exercise was the presence of two other people on neighbouring treadmills, who were coughing. One man was on my immediate left, and I'd say he was in his late forties or fifties. The man on my immediate left was fine, but the lady on his left was not. She too was in her forties.

I felt like asking the guy if he was feeling fine, but was afraid that I'd sound rude. SARS virus or not, I didn't think it made sense to push yourself if you weren't feeling well! He was trying to suppress his coughs but to no avail. The faster the speed of his treadmill, the more he coughed. Ditto for the woman. The man on my left exchanged woeful glances with me. I tried to turn my head to the left when inhaling.

Finally, their treadmills slowed down, and they stopped coughing. I told Dad what happened and he said I should've reported them to the gym instructor. But he did assure me that those afflicted with SARS wouldn't be strong enough to go to the gym as they'd be overwhelmed with breathing difficulties.

Okay. I'm writing this because I'm a little amused/disturbed by what my parents had to say while they were watching Moulin Rouge for the first time ever, this evening.

Dad was explaining to mum, who had missed the first half of the show, what had happened so far. "When you look at it, actually the Duke meant well... he wanted to marry the girl and invest in the theatre. This poor boy wants to run away with her, but doesn't even know where to go!"

* disapproving looks from both parents directed towards the television screen, which probably couldn't care less *

"Apparently, these 'Bohemians' think that way, that love is everything," said Dad, scientifically. More disapproving sounds.

I started getting rather worried at that point in time, but thanked God that nice Peranakan girls were no longer matchmade by their families.

They had something to say about the singing, too. Kidman was praised. McGregor, however, did not get off as lightly:

"I can also sing like that! Commme...whaat....mayyy..." my mother ventured.

All in all, it was quite funny, I guess. But I fear I'm going to stay single for a long time.

England's patron saint may not be English, and he may not have killed a dragon, but we still love him anyway. Read more.

Oh, this is just sweeet: Talking Cock reports that the Singapore Government has just hired the Iraqi Information Minister to head our very own MITA.

It appears that the Iraqi Information Minister's influence has pervaded even English football commentary. A Guardian reporter for the most recent Manchester United v Arsenal clash, writes, after van Nistelrooy's opening goal:

Hilarious stuff. And I'm sure many more M.A.S. tributes abound.

I was keeping an eye on MIT's Blogdex and noticed a very new and popular site: We Love the Iraqi Information Minister. The site has been overwhelmed with hits so it's being moved to a more capable server at the moment, but I'd like to see how it develops.

And I think Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf does deserve some recognition for his comedic talent. I wonder if he's still alive.

[ The Registry claims responsibility for readers who have downed its server after publishing an article about the site. They report that the site can be viewed here in the meantime. ]

[ Jan from Belgium sends two more links: A soundboard where you can play back his voice and make all sorts of funny sentences, and another fan website. ]

Tariq Aziz, Iraqi defence minister calls a meeting of all Saddam's doubles after the latest attempt on Saddam's life.

"Guys, I have good news and bad news for you", he says.

"First the good news: our glorious leader Saddam escaped death in the last bomb blast.

"The bad news is that he's lost an arm."

Heh. Thanks to Chris for cheering me up a little with this joke.

[ Denyse just sent me this Dancing Bush plaything. It's cute! ]

I knew this was going to happen sooner or later: The US forms its own UN, reports the Onion.

In real news: The Fox News network poked fun at anti-war protesters, running taunting headlines instead of the usual news tickers while covering last Thursday's rally in New York.

Lastly, American troops think that the 'thumbs-up' shown to them by Iraqi civilians is a show of support. To the Iraqis however, it may actually be interpreted as a foul insult meaning 'up yours!'. Slate analyses the issue.

Which goes to show, really, that cultural differences shouldn't be taken for granted.

Steve Bell has a very appropriate illustration of the relationship between the US and the UN, on the Guardian website.

Sometimes I think we're helpless to do anything now ... but laugh at the whole situation.

Dixie Chicks told to leave US in 48 hours too and more, link via sixdifferentways

Here's what I think is the ultimate George Bush parody site.

For antiwar posters with a sense of humour, try the Propaganda Remix Project, and Another Poster for Peace.

Digging up the past, here's that cute Banana Boat Song music video starring Colin Powell and Osama.

Contributions, anyone?

New York - A carp, about to be blugeoned on the head at a Jewish-owned fish processing company, began shouting in Hebrew, "The end is near!" Read more. The article can also be found in the New York Times.

Here's an update: Check out this story of a seventeenth-century Jewish scholar who placed a fish in a cradle, to symbolise the redemption of Israel - which he believed would happen under the sign of Pisces. Taken from the Jewish Heritage Magazine website.

If you have any more theories or background information, post them here.

Check out this IQ test on the Guardian website to see if your intelligence corresponds to your salary.

Of course, emotional and adversity quotients matter as well, but anyway ... I took the test, and my IQ is apparently in the 120+ range: 'Wow. Your IQ is as far above the average for your salary level as the scale permits. What are you doing with your life?'

Yes, what am I doing with my life?

Gurmit sent this link to me and I think it is positively ingenious.

Remember when I predicted I'd do several things this year? Let's see how far I've gone:

1. Join a Bible studies group (yep)
2. Get baptised in March (well, April ... if all goes well)
3. Finish the church website soon (done)
4. Lock myself up in the music room and record something new (done tonight - two drum and bass and chillout tracks coming up)
5. Throw out a lot of junk cluttering up my room (hmm not yet)
6. Exercise more. Gym is good and I can do better than two times a year! (i really should be doing more sit-ups)
7. Visit the dentist. Too much coffee and tea. (done)
8. Buy 4D for the first time in my life. (not yet)

I was checking out the recording company founded by Queenie's friend Adrian, and I was ashamed that he's a lawyer AND producer of cool music AND a website. If my production goes well I might contribute a couple of tracks.

President Bush makes an official visit to an elementary school and is invited to sit in for one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand and says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Take the Bloginality test to find out what kind of weblogger you are.

I don't think that several questions are enough to determine your personality type, but anyway ... I'm an INTJ!

What are you?

Yesterday we celebrated her first birthday. Isn't she adorable?

Yes, I know I look absolutely idiotic.

And to think I was only browsing around for books :o)

How well do you know your Christmas carols? I'm no expert but I managed to get by with a score of 11 - with some lucky guesses.

Tired of turkey? Maybe you'd fancy some low-fat Swedish reindeer pâté instead. Yuck!

There we were, happily complaining about the rain and above-zero temperatures in Shanghai and the cold winds blowing across the west lake in Hangzhou. And these Norwegians have to come along and spoil it all! :o)

Certain animals are probably breathing a sigh (or snort?) of relief to hear that strong Viagra sales worldwide might lead to a decrease in demand for traditional anti-impotence cures. Uplifting news indeed.

I'be god a Cobe. A bery, bery nasty cobe. By dose is all runny and I sbent der whole day in de office wid a dissue sduffed ub by dostrils.

Den suddenly, I hatchoo. Hatchoo, hatchOO and HA-CHOO, oud op condrol. By body was shibering. Bud... I hab do do worg. Doday I worg'd in de obbice undil eid pee em! By deadline is Dursday and cliend is launshing nu lugshury gar galled der Bae-don. Is speld 'Phaeton' bud wid dissue stuffed ub by dose, how do dok proberly?

*phwarrrt* I blew by dose so many dimes doday, id's gedding bainful. Dwo backets of bocket dissues a'd halb a dissue box. Aby bore blowig ad by dose wil probaby rund aweh! Wib a whyde dissue stigging oud ob by red dose, I loog'd lige eider Sanda or Rudolb, tayg yor pig.

Loog ad der dime! Id is nearly midnide. I'b bedder go do sleeb soon. Maybe hab a hod shower birst.

Tonight, I will sit down at a desk (which does NOT have a computer on it - not easy since we have 4 PC desktops, 1 G4 Mac, and 2 laptops at home), and read up for my application essay. Yes folks, gone are the days where admissions departments ask straightfoward questions like, 'Why do you think you are suitable for this course?' and instead, plunge straight into the syllabus they're supposed to be teaching you.

Tonight, I will begin reading about Communication theory from a BOOK. You see, a BOOK prevents me from checking my email and visiting websites in another browser window, as I'm reading it.

And now looks like a really good time to start. Goodnight!

Crikey, it obviously runs in the family. My brilliant cousin Luke has just unleashed a report on the study of S&M, in the Daily Pennsylvanian.

After admiring the innovative and chic home accessories at the lifestyle shop on the 2nd floor of Ngee Ann City, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read about the CEO who spent US$2,200 on a wastepaper basket that didn't do anything extraordinary.

However I do have my eyes on a very intriguing timepiece, the Tissot T-Touch. It has an in-built alarm, thermometer, barometer, compass, altimeter and stopwatch. Which doesn't sound very different from my old Casio ATC1110 - except that you touch its face to activate a feature, and the dial slides to where your finger is. It also has a classier stainless steel finishing... at a quarter of the aforementioned wastebasket's price. Hmm...

I've been looking around for good graduate schools for Law and Mass Communication, and came across the USNews forum which was mentioned in the 2003 grad school guidebook. It was a little frustrating parting with eighteen bucks only to find that there were only a few pages in the guidebook covering the latter subject, so I decided to check out the site.

And then yours truly got a little distracted with some of the weird stuff people were posting on the forum. For instance, you'd think that mass comm students would at least get their basic spelling and grammar right, especially if they're intending to proceed to university level:

"i am doing a diploma in mass communication in singapore. i wish to knoe more about the better university in america for the course..."

And the next message I came across from another poster, is plain funny. Anal-yse this!

"i had some difficulties pushing up my anal. scores and i wonder whether there is any good reference materials for preparations, to push up the scores ?..."

Maybe he should stop taking such long toilet breaks >;-)