November 2005 Archives

After a hiccup or two with Google Analytics, I left the system to run on its own, and decided to check on the stats (to give Mint a run for its money). Might I say Google's stats are nice to look at, and much more detailed?

Let's take the regional information, for starters:

A slice of the pie. And here's what you get when you view, say, Singapore:

Like, how scary is that? Actually, I do want to know if any of you readers are really from these areas. Leave a comment, if you are!

[ps. I clicked on United States and saw a breakdown of states. Then I clicked on California and saw 20 different areas. This is cool. Incidentally, hello to San Diego, whoever you are :) ]

[Update 20/1/06: A detailed comparison of web stat services. ]

Up to this morning, I hadn't played at a church worship service for over three years (not counting Alpha day aways and weddings).

Since our Worship minister retired about four years ago, the church choir has depended on volunteers to lead the team every week. My old piano teacher and I decided to join the choir together, but we both felt a little unwelcome at first. Later on, as we observed the dynamics around us, we wondered if some of us were there to worship God, or worship our own abilities in singing or dominating the rest of the choir. Finally, when they were short of a pianist, I offered my services. On the day itself, most songs went well, but I slipped up on one piece, got a severe glare from a choir member, and never dared to play again - despite getting positive comments from more experienced musicians.

'I'm just not good enough', I thought.

However, after I left, things began to soften up a little. I sorted out some issues I had about the faith, by attending Alpha. I battled demons. I got baptised, attended Bible study classes and healing courses. At the same time I started learning jazz piano, then was made leader of a band, and pianist for the company choir. The past three years taught me a lot of things and helped me regain confidence in myself.

In my journey as a Christian and musician, the most important realisation I gained was that it didn't matter if we put up an imperfect performance, as long as we gave God the best we had.

Last week, I was asked to stand in for another pianist, who was supposed to play this morning. It was an emergency. I agreed. It was a bonus to learn that our best worship leader and drummer (in my opinion) would be playing with me. And a full choir certainly helped. In three years the dynamics seemed to have changed, and those who were once harsh are now much more forgiving and appreciative.

And one more difference was that we prayed - and it felt more sincere to me now. We decided that it wasn't about us. We prayed for the band and choir to be invisible to the congregation, that they would look past us and focus on Christ instead. Spot on for me. Isn't that what worship is really about?

Three years ago, I was so nervous I couldn't even listen to the sermon, let alone understand it. This time I felt like I was still part of the congregation - until it was time to sing. A lot of things have changed, and so far they seem to have changed for the better. Thanks be to God. Amen.

A little cheer to a busy week - a new shipment of books arrived today! Some books were consumed freshly, right after opening the package.

First in line was a book by Paul Arden, 'It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be'. Written simply but with punch, and with great typography and graphics to boot. Something to spur on (what's left of) my creative streak. The quote that spoke to me the most, was 'Don't seek praise. Seek criticism.' [Note: This book's Amazon reviews tend to swing to extremes. I like it, but it may not be for the risk-averse or the cynical. You don't need a background in the creative industry to appreciate his advice, but it may help you relate better to it.]

Next up are two Christian books, 'The Naked Christian' (no references to Jamie Oliver) which deals with stripping off the man-made religion, and 'Friendlationships' which handles issues between sort-of friends. Nope, nothing happening to me on that front, but it's good to know anyway.

Lastly, for pure mindless entertainment, several Dilbert comic books - since Christmas is round the corner and I want to entertain myself.

[ Update: Thanks to Ivan for linking to this post from NLB's blog, Highbrowse. ]

I was a little disappointed to hear that Turkey did not qualify for the 2006 World Cup. They were beaten by Switzerland on aggregate.

Just three years ago, I roared them on all the way to their last match against South Korea, where they won third place. The day of their first World Cup match against Brazil, I was in Istanbul, sitting in the Atatürk International Airport lounge, watching a fierce-looking player called Hasan Sas nonchalantly fire in a goal, drawing first blood against the world champions. Sas would become my hero, but after rumours of possible transfers to big-name clubs, he faded out of the news.

Nevertheless, watching the Turkish and Korean players joining hands and saluting the audience was one of the best post-match celebrations in my memory - true sportsmanship. They also broke the record for the fastest goal ever scored - was it 8 seconds? - by veteran Hakan Sukur.

And what a glorious welcome the team received back in Turkey. What joyous celebrations in Taksim Square, where I had visited just weeks before! I could picture the scene.

There was talk of even stronger fan support when Turkey (note the certainty of that tone) played in Germany, as they had many countrymen working there. I couldn't wait!

Then, two years ago, I relished Turkey's presence in Euro 2004 and was excited to hear they were leading in the tables initially - only to learn that they did not qualify in the end. On TV, I watched dashing striker Ilhan Mansiz gesturing in frustration as he left the changing room. I thought they would learn their lesson and regain their place in the world arena.

But now, it seems that Turkish football's glorious period is over - almost as quickly as it began.

I received a copy of Nicky Gumbel's Searching Issues several weeks ago, from a family friend. It's a slim book, easy to read and good for those interested in the faith. However, I already had a copy of my own.

Still, I felt an urge to politely accept the gift, because it could always be given to someone else later. I knew it would.

A few weeks later, a new member joined our Alpha group and told us how a certain verse in the Bible moved her such that she accepted Christ. The next week (I think), I felt like giving her the book, to help further her understanding on issues. However, I forgot to bring it along - what's more, we learnt it was her birthday the next day.

Last night, I flipped through my own copy of Searching Issues, and noticed her favourite verse on one of the pages. Like it was speaking out to me. It was a second hint. So I gave her the extra copy tonight, telling her how I felt this book was meant for her, and she happily accepted it.

A very recent event has unveiled a root problem which I still face: Guilt.

Knowing that something's out of our control, yet I still ought to be doing more to help a situation. Being thankful that God probably allowed the best outcome, in the best environment, with the best expertise and care, yet feeling obliged to worry, as if it's expected that I have to behave in such a way.

Having come back from a week of holidays and watching the red (new) emails piling up, faster than I can handle. Trying to finish all my work under self-imposed deadlines (which are tighter than they need to be) while at the same time, taking on a new responsibility outside of work (arising from the situation which is out of our control).

Missing two emails which weren't very important, yet feeling intensely guilty and ashamed that I could have not noticed them in the sea of red. Like I staked my self-worth in the office on my promptness, and it had 'tarnished' my self-image indefinitely. My logical side is screaming, "Get a hold of yourself!!! It's not a big deal!" but right now the rest of me still feels like wallowing.

Explaining to people why I've had to dash off and cancel meetings. Leaving work earlier than I normally do (that's still like an hour AFTER official working hours anyway) and feeling weird, like I haven't done enough work.

Updating people who do know what's happened this week, all at different times. After a while, I don't even want to speak to anyone because I'm so tired of saying the same thing again and again. I've begun to understand why others would want as few people to know as possible. Not because they don't want sympathy in itself, but because after a while it's more fuss than they feel is necessary.

Cancelling my music lessons because I simply don't feel like playing anymore. At least for this month. Because my absence from home could mean something. What if something happens when I'm not around? What if I'm not dutiful or watchful enough?

Today I felt as if I didn't deserve to eat. Or at least, eat well. If others can't, why should I? I didn't do anything wrong, yet I feel I deserved punishment, to suffer together. There's a part of me, since my youth, that has been very severe on myself and I don't know exactly why it's lingered in me for so long, rearing its ugly head in times of trials.

I'm not even writing this so that people can ask me what's exactly happened. I'm not going to say anything. I'm not supposed to say anything. I don't want pity. I just need to express my self-observations and let my friends know I'm not in the most sociable, or stable, of moods right now. Grr. Sob.

Tomorrow is our first ever Gahmen Blogger's Meetup. I hope I've contacted everyone who signed up. If not, drop me a line. (Ever since my Contact form has been publicised, I've been inundated with spam from it, so I'm not going to link directly to it here.)

The make-up of the group sounds promising and I hope we have lots of fun. More updates later.

[Update: The GBM went fine. I was late, paiseh. We've decided to keep it unofficial, and to remain in touch with each other. We're just a group of bloggers who happen to work in the public/civil service. Hopefully we've all made some new friends in the process. ]

We packed our bags and walked to Nam Pha, one of a chain of fine restaurants for lunch. Then it was off to the airport, and back to Singapore!

Visited mum's colleagues & chatted with a Viet Cong war heroine.

Went to Ben Thanh market to buy lacquer ware and Seasonal fruits. The fruit-seller travels 2 hours from the Mekong Delta every morning! She gave us some soft tapioca with coconut cream. Nicer than the tapioca they gave me in the Cuchi tunnels.

Then we bought tablecloths in another part of town. We learnt that takes about 2 months to embroider each cloth.

We had dinner at another lovely French restaurant (note to self: I am never going to order foie gras as a main course, ever again).

I spoke un petit peux de Francaise avec le Monsieur owner, an almost comical man with floppy hair. It started with him saying "Bon Apetit" to all of us, before walking off. I responded with a 'Merci". Five seconds later he walked back to the table, and asked if I had just spoken French.

I guess I was really asking for it when I replied, "Oui!" because he rattled off in his native tongue and I confessed I had lost him. Turns out he was telling me that the salt on our table was specially imported from France and I could try it except I should be warned that it is exceptionally salty (imagine it said with zee heavy accent).

We visited the main Cao Dai temple. Previously, this was a secretive religion until the Communists insisted that they open up. Now they even have an entrance for tourists!

However, Cao Daism is still very powerful and if you don't agree with this religion, you can't live in the area. There's a story that someone actually skipped his 'national service' in the army by becoming a disciple.

You have to take your shoes off when you enter the temple. The caretakers were mostly old folks. They seemed harmless enough, but I had a nagging feeling in my heart that something didn't make sense.

When we read the plaques at the entrance, we wondered how Sun Yat Sen and Victor Hugo became the disciples of Cao Dai's founder. And, as I mentioned previously, how can monotheistic faiths be combined with other religions?

The huge 'All-seeing eye' globe at the end of the temple was also unnerving. It reminded me of one of those old retro fantasy games I used to play - Xanth. And to see a statue of my Lord Jesus standing in line, with Confucius and other Asian figures made me feel creepy. Also, some religions like Islam strictly forbid any forms of idols - so how could the temple have so many figurines?

We had 'grass' for lunch - spring rolls. Then we crawled into the Cuchi tunnels.

The army guide was a pleasant Vietnamese Soldier. We posed for photographs besides dummy female Viet Kongs, then watched a video. It presented the opposite view of the war, portraying the Americans as meddlers who destroyed the peace, shooting everything, even the ground.

There was plenty of weaponry on display. Lots of shrapnel, missiles and bombs. There even used to be a firing range!

The tunnels were a cleverly complex maze designed to frustrate the enemy. They were so dark and narrow that some others nearly got stuck. And these tunnels had already been widened for tourists!

In one tunnel, a bat flew past us. I just let it fly by - no point making it panic. However, the local girls behind me squealed. I am sure the Vietnamese female warriors were made of sterner stuff than that!

We visited the Mekong River delta. The coach arrived late and the air was smoky as there were many other coaches lining the road. As we stood on the roadside waiting, another tourist near us was smoking! *double choke*

On our journey south, we passed by many shop houses on both sides of the road. Further on, the scenery became more rural, with huts and sheds.

Along both road shoulders, cyclists and motorcyclists headed in the opposite direction. About 20 minutes into the journey, our guide and driver stopped the coach to help a colleague of theirs, whose own coach had stalled on the roadside.

Our guide was knowledgeable, but I could not understand what he was saying sometimes. Funnily, even our own Vietnamese host, who was accompanying us for the trip (and spoke better English), couldn't totally understand him!

We got into a noisy motor boat and went past many floating houses and fish farms. You could smell the fish sauce that someone was making. The muddy waters looked rather fertile. 23m deep in some parts!

A monk used to live on one of these islands. He ate only coconuts and bathed using coconuts. He founded a coconut religion. We went to the coconut candy factory and sampled some fresh hot sticky candy. It tasted nice but the thought of so much saturated condensed fat put me off! We had lunch, then visited a bee farm to drink honey tea. We also listened to traditional Vietnamese music. Then we made our way back ... under a bridge that was so low (during high tide), that all of us had to duck when our sampans passed underneath it!

We had a pleasant two-hour flight into HCM City (aka Saigon). The ride into town was quite an experience. In Saigon, there's a gentle sort of organised chaos on the roads, where motorcyclists, cyclists, cars and pedestrians avoid each other by inches, and do it almost effortlessly. Their trick is to move slowly.

We passed by many quirky-looking buildings and tall, narrow shophouses. Even though Vietnam is still in its developmental phases, I could sense a quiet artistic beauty in its architecture, that allowed each building to look unique without sticking out like a sore thumb.

The hottest news in Saigon was that the statue of Mary in the Notre Dame Cathedral had wept tears. Apparently a lady having lunch beneath the statue felt droplets falling on her.

This prompted huge crowds to gather around the statue. We swung by to catch a glimpse of it.

We were told that the main religion in Vietnam, Cao Dai, is a mix of other world religions. I'm not quite sure how monotheistic faiths can be incorporated into the mix.

We had dinner at a local Brewery. Even on a week day, it was packed with locals and a few expats - 3 storeys high. Check out the food!

Hi all, I am posting this last message on my blog before we board the plane.

All I can say is - the SIA Business Class lounge rocks. Good selection of booze *hic*. I also had my fill of very well-cooked chicken.

Onwards!