March 2005 Archives

The server exceeded its 500MB capacity, my home page went blank, and I believe some emails bounced.

I'm in a trash-and-burn mood now. I just deleted my entire photo gallery - whether I have backups or not. However I might have to stop hosting other people's sites on my account, because I might do some more reckless things to the server and that would impact their sites too.

Actually I feel like just hitting the 'delete' button, and rebuilding only my blog. Can't believe so much junk accumulated on my site in a few years. Trash it! Just trash it all!!!

A package arrived today - from Acmabooks.com. I ordered three books from them and it arrived a week earlier than expected - all in mint condition (that earns brownie points).

It all started off when I got roped in as the pianist for our forthcoming company production - a musical farewell to our much-loved CEO. (Have you ever been in a large organisation where nobody says anything bad about the CEO because she is genuinely respected and well-liked? I just have. It's an amazing feeling.)

We heard she likes Broadway music, so to make my job easier, I ordered The Definitive Broadway Collection. I also picked up Edward De Bono's classic book, Six Thinking Hats, and for lighter reading, 'Here Speeching American', which is a collection of very bad (and funny) English used around the world. You'd think all they'd have was what you've already seen in emails ... well there's lots more heavy-duty stuff you haven't seen, and I've nearly split my sides laughing!

Here's a sampler. (Pardon the US spelling)

One of several funny Hong Kong kung-fu lines:
"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination."

Communist Chinese hit songs:
"Mother, I want to Go to the Mountainside and Harden Myself with Physical Labor"
"Last Night I dreamed of Chairman Mao"

Which reminds me of today's Straits Times report that some art museums aren't writing good descriptions for their exhibits. Well, here's a caption from a Malaysian museum about a Van Gogh painting:

"The painting, Wheatfield with Crows, probably painted before Van Gogh commited suicide."

Today at work, I received 89 emails, and sent 65 emails (all work-related, of course.)

Over the weekend and on Monday, I received over 100 emails.

On a related note, I should start a Lotus Notes rant one day.

Today I bought the Bose SoundDock, and now the bedroom has much less wire clutter. Photos below.

While reading Lawrence Lessig's excellent book, Free Culture, I was reminded of an invaluable website, archive.org, which keeps records of websites past.

They even have records of what my old website (version 2, designer-style) looked like. They even archived my old 404 error message. That's a real walk down memory lane.

[Additional comment: If you support the Creative Commons, and have new insights to add to Lessig's book, Code and Other Laws of Cyberspace, why not help out here. All royalties go to the Creative Commons.]

Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, but this time I'm really feeling the brunt of it. Giving testimony and being asked to help at Alpha just upped the pressure - don't think I'm any 'better' than any one of you, because I still have my 'down' moments and I'm experiencing one right now. It also doesn't help when you see your fellow Christians judge and criticise others as though they had authority to do so.

I received something in the mail today - a food and beverage trade newsletter from California. But, more than that, it was a demonstration in following through and having good manners.

You see, it all started with me posting a picture I took of a stack of Touche bottles (it's a pleasant sort of champagne-beer drink, made in Singapore).

The editor of this trade newsletter found my pic and had the decency to ask for permission to use it for her next issue. She offered to give me credit by putting my name beside the photograph, but all I wanted was a copy of the magazine.

Actually I didn't expect to get anything after I sent her a higher-quality version of the photograph. I've contributed articles to local magazines and nobody would tell me which issue my work would appear in. And, forget about asking for free copies!

But this time, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the editor not only sent me the newsletter with the Touche article in it, but typed out a full-page letter to me, thanking me once again for the last-minute notice in getting me to send her the photograph I took.

I was mildly disappointed to read, however, that another photograph was used instead (it looked like the brewery had sent an official pic to them, fair enough). However the editor was still grateful for my help, and said she could add me to her mailing list for subsequent issues.

Now, isn't that nice?

The Guardian News Blog (through Wired) mentions a new tool that rides on other search engines, looking for people's names. Keying in my first and last name fetched two results, one of which was a correct reference to myself on Zeldman's External page. However it got my description jumbled up with the next website listed on that page. Oh well, nothing's perfect.

I picked up three books this weekend, all web-related:

1. Web Standards Solutions: The Markup and Style Handbook by Dan Cederholm
2. Submit Now: Designing Persuasive Websites by Andrew Chak
3. The Unusually Useful Web Book by June Cohen

I was planning to get Dan Cederholm's book for some time. It's doing pretty well on the Amazon.com ratings. I must admit I already know how to do the majority of things mentioned in his book. When I create new web pages at work, I code the stylesheets from scratch - no copying from other websites, even for 3-column layouts. But I bought the book because I know it's a good book, with a foreword by Jeffrey Zeldman, and I want to support good efforts to promote the use of web standards. It would also help to recommend these sort of books to agencies who work for your company - especially if you've read it and can attest to their value.

The other two books simply caught my eye as I flipped through them. Quite often web design books are divided into two categories: Design and Programming/Technology. Instead these books begin by looking at the big picture, and covers elements of both visual design and IT in a structured and semantic way. They don't get into technical details but give you a good overview of how to go about producing a great, relevant website that meets its objectives.

In my current position it's not about selling things but convincing people to change their lifestyles. But as I've progressed it's become obvious that the approach used to get customers to buy into your product, can also be applied to non-commercial objectives. You don't preach to them anymore - you try to sell them your idea. Who'd think that this would ever be like a sales job? But it certainly is!

The Unusually Useful Web Book seems to be living up to its name, because it is quite difficult for me to put it down (in both senses of the word/phrase). Chapters I'd like to know more about would be on web traffic analysis (to gauge customers' habits and wants), project management (to establish clear roles and deadlines), and site promotion. Oh, and the two Jeffreys (Veen and Zeldman) are interviewed in it as well.

I just set up iChat(AIM) our iMac to connect with AIM on a laptop PC (my sister's). At first we had some trouble viewing video on the iMac, but it turned out to be a configuration oversight on the PC.

In the meantime I had done some Googling and even though this comprehensive article didn't help me in the end, I thought it would still be useful to would-be iChatters.

In other news, I went to a members-only iPod sale at an Apple Centre, but a S$40 discount off a S$788 iPod Photo 60GB wasn't tempting enough. Especially now that VanPod has been most responsive ever since the firmware update. The only problem is its 1 hour stamina, which could be resolved by getting a car charger, or replacing the battery - both much cheaper options than an iPod upgrade.

A few weeks ago I was looking at the concert listings, wondering who would ever want to go with me to watch Youssou N'Dour. Then again I only knew one of his songs from my childhood days...

Then some relatives invited me to watch a performance with them. At first I was told it was some jazz concert. Then I learnt it was the Mosaic / Putumayo World Music concert, featuring the West African himself!

We had front seats, which meant I had a neck ache and deafened ears by the end of the concert. But it was really inspiring. For the first half we were treated to the ethnic music of Susheela Raman, British-born Indian singer with a powerful, rich voice. What was beautiful was how the sound engineer created a strong echo at certain phrases, making it sound more haunting and lingering.

After the interval, it was time to rumble! Up came three percussionists, one drummer, a bassist, a lead guitarist, two keyboardists, a female backup vocalist and Youssou. It felt like half an orchestra walked up on stage. What keyboards do Youssou's band use? A Yamaha DX7 and a Korg Triton Pro (yeah!) which served as what sounded like a substitute vibraphone.

I was just half a metre from Youssou and he sang many songs in a language I could not understand, but it didn't matter because it was also music, which was universal. As the audience grew bolder he encouraged us to join in the singing. At some points it felt like he was pointing the microphone at me - right above my head on some occasions - and because you sit in front you don't see people behind you and it feels personal.

One of his last songs was the hit Seven Seconds, which I sang along to. It was obvious that his backup vocalist was better than some lead singers! Thicker, more powerful than Neneh Cherry but with a heavier accent. These people are so, so talented - I'd rather listen to them than any fake teen pop star, anytime.

One distracting element was that fat 'belly' dancer who came in for the more upbeat songs. Her movements were so sudden that her bare, wobbly midrift would be flung, by momentum, in one direction, only to be thrust ruthlessly seconds later in the opposite direction. When she came on for the encores, she thrashed about so violently that a costume accessory fell off, then a ring flew off her finger and went into the front row. Someone kindly returned the ring to her after the concert was over. I felt she stuck out a bit because she wasn't dressed in traditional costume like everyone else.

Anyway, we gave Youssou two or three standing ovations so he obliged! My hands were sore from clapping. He taught us how to say a few words of greeting (which I am unable to spell out here) and showed us he was proud of Africa - despite the problems going on it was a happy place.

He was certainly a fine ambassador tonight.

[13/03/05 at St George's Church, at around 10.35am. This was an abbreviated version of my actual written testimony, which you can still find here.]

Good morning everyone ...

An interesting thing happened to me three years ago. At that time I hadn't committed myself to Christ yet - I was a 'bench-warmer', who'd listen to the sermon every Sunday then go home.

One day, one of the messages of the sermon was that you don't have to ask God only for big things - you could ask Him for small things, too.

Hmm, that was new to me! At the time I did believe in a God, and I sort of acknowledged that Jesus did exist ... God to me was a powerful, all-seing being and you don't disturb him for small things.

I thought, I'll give it a try! So I prayed.

I said, "Lord, I know this is a very trivial thing, and it's partly my fault for not getting up early in the morning, but the next time you see me walking to the bus stop, and you see my bus coming round the corner, tell me to run!"

(slight chuckles among the congregation)

You see, every morning I'd take the 174 at the Tanglin Police Station - and let me tell you I am NOT a morning person! - so I'd be walking up the pavement, fuzzy-headed. And sometimes I'd miss the bus by seconds and I'd be late for work.

So that was my prayer. The next morning, as I was walking to the bus stop, I had this urge to run! (more amused sounds from the congregation)

And I ran. And caught the bus just in time!

The next few months the same thing kept on happening to me ... and I kept on catching the bus on time. It got to the point where I became blase - I'd get the urgings to run, and I'd say [holding up my hand], 'Thanks Lord, but I'm too tired to run today ... I'll catch the next one!'

(more chuckles)

[more serious tone] All this while, I never doubted who it was who was helping me. But almost as if to confirm it, another thing happened.

One morning I woke up SO late, that Holy Spirit or not, I RAN. And those of you who know me well, will know what I'm like when I'm in a hurry. I have this scowl on my face, and I bet anybody walking on the street that day would have avoided me. (slight chuckles)

But as I was halfway to the bus stop, a voice - the Lord - spoke to me. It was loud and clear and in my head.

"Don't run. Walk.

"Because, before you reach the bus stop, somebody will come to you, who needs your help."

That was how I remember it was phrased ... and it was so clear, I stopped running immediately. I started walking. I even told myself not to behave out of the ordinary, looking around at people as if they needed my help - just in case I spoilt God's plan!

Then as I walked further on to the bus stop, I thought, "OK, I have to help someone, but what if I miss my bus?" (chuckles)

Yeah, my kiasu mentality. The Holy Spirit spoke to me again!

"Don't worry that you will miss the bus. After you help this person, your bus will arrive."

Wow. That was TWO [holds up two fingers] clear messages, all in the space of 2 minutes.

And sure enough, just before I reached the bus stop, another bus arrived and a China-Chinese boy got out. He was in his mid-teens, tall, fair, with spectacles and a backpack. And he was in a hurry.

The first person he saw was me. He asked, (in urgent tones) "Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the Chinese Embassy?"

And I was glad he spoke English because my Chinese really sucked! Immediately I turned away from the bus stop, and walked down a few paces with him ... "Walk straight down, cross the road, and you see that white building? That's the British High Commission... the one after that is the Chinese Embassy."

He said thank you, waved goodbye to me and went off. I waved goodbye to him, turned back to the bus stop ...

And the 174 arrived ... and stopped right in front of me.

I thought, wow... The Lord not only answered my own prayers but He could have answered the boy's prayers too! For all you know, something could have happened to his family and he was sitting in the bus, praying, "If there's a God, help me find the way to my embassy" and God was listening! I don't know. But it felt really good that God used me to help someone else!

But you see, a relationship with God isn't just a one-off miracle - we certainly don't face miracles every day of our lives. Instead, it's an ongoing thing. And despite what happened to me there were still many other issues I didn't agree with about Christianity. In fact it was still pretty topsy-turvey for me.

Until a church friend of mine said, Why not try Alpha?

Now I had been sitting in church for two years listening to people talking about Alpha and I'd refuse to give it a try. I didn't know anybody there!

But this time I thought, why not give it a shot. At least I can say I tried attending the first session!

So I did. I actually enjoyed myself, and my group was very lively and we talked past the 10 o'clock mark! The bell was ringing and we'd still be talking (OK as I type this, I can't remember if it happened in the first session but in subsequent ones I do recall we had loads to say!)

So I decided to go for the second session! And then the third ... and then ... I attended all the sessions (chuckle) and they gave me an attendance award for doing that (louder chuckle).

It was a pack of M&M's or something (small chuckle).

Then a few more things happened to me - too many to explain here - (this was when I got spiritually disturbed in my bedroom and I didn't want to confuse the listeners with too many stories) but it re-affirmed my faith in Christ. In the end, I gave my life to Jesus and got baptised. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Alpha.

Thank the Lord.

(I step down from the podium.)

I don't need a new phone. Not yet. Even though my Nokia 6600 hangs every now and then with cryptic error messages. Even though I've dropped it many times. Even though it's become more slow.

I don't need a new 60GB iPod Photo. Even though I have tonnes of photos and only have several GB left on my 40GB 3G iPod, which has a battery that now lasts only an hour. Even though the LCD goes dim every now and then, and I can't view some playlists after syncing it with my Mac.

I don't need an iPod shuffle. Even though I need every reason to go back to the gym. Knowing me, it will turn into a very expensive thumb drive.

I don't need a new digital camera. Even though my Olympus C5050 has been replaced with a new model with a built-in wide angle lens. Even though it forces me to reset my date and time every time I take out the rechargeable batteries. Even though the battery meter plays me out by saying it's full, then dips drastically and dies. Even though it's slow to get started.

I don't need a 15" PowerBook. Even though I miss having a laptop in my room - just like when I was a student. Anyway, I'm waiting for the day they squeeze in a G5 processor without burning my lap and a hole in my pocket.

I want them all. But I know I don't need them. Not yet.

Right now, I'm saving up for the Bose SoundDock - which would look much cooler on my bedside table, than the current Bose computer speakers and iPod dock, and numerous interconnecting cables. (There's an ongoing Bose sale @ AppleCentre Orchard)

Oh yes, it's all about priorities.

I dreamt I was like Supergirl today, flying around with extra-sensory psychic powers that could detect the presence of evil spirits.

My mission began with my family receiving a request for me to investigate some old Godowns in what felt like the River Valley area. Apparently in my dream I already had a reputation with the local police...

My testimony was well-received in church. I said what I wanted to say, clearly and calmly. Thanks to everyone who gave me their support and prayers! Amen.

After a test drive, it's decided that my 4-year old Nissan Sunny will be replaced with a new model. Delivery should be around my birthday (that's a coincidence).

My sister's old iPod (a 3rd generation 15GB model I bought at a promotion for S$200) finally died. It would have cost the same price to replace its hard drive! So we got her a new one.

Now I'm off to band practice. We've settled on two new songs for the concert - So What (Miles Davis) and Take Five (funkier, upbeat version).

My priest has asked me to give testimony at St George's Church this Sunday at the 10am service. I've agreed. I think I know roughly what to talk about - what story to tell the congregation.

Pray for me.

I'm looking for articles, statistics and any other relevant information that can help me argue a case for the implementation of Web Standards in my company. I don't have much time to prepare my proposal (like, tomorrow) that's why I'm asking around.

The main problem is that Web Standards aren't really that important if your job is about making a website look attractive to a target group. You can be good at coding pages but who will know (unless you create some massive JavaScript problem that prompts a popup/security alert)?

The truth is, bosses don't read code and it's not one of our key performance indicators (KPI). If the page loads, the page loads. Saving a few KB of space per page means little to them. Only you (and God) will know the extra effort you put in. Meanwhile, everyone else around you who doesn't bother doing it, has more time to complete other work.

The power of stylesheets has also been eroded by another technology - the Content Management System. Most big organisations already have a CMS, so why utilise stylesheets to their full potential when everything's in a template already? The CMS takes away some of the controlling elements that stylesheets have (in terms of positioning and colour schemes).

We codies may love Zeldman, Eric Meyer and CSS Zen Garden, and I know Jeffrey Veen's written an article but that's too general and targetted at an audience that is somewhat enlightened already. We can't push through a vague paper without looking foolish and having our proposal backfire on us. I mean, try talking web standards to these groups:

• Senior business managers who don't know much about technology and don't want to spend money on intangibles when they do not lead to substantial savings for their company. (Reduction in bandwidth costs isn't good enough. Corporate web hosting fees are much bigger and those who are paying it, can afford it as it is)
• Busy executives who are simply trying to get their websites launched in the shortest time, satisfying all the content and visual requirements, usually on a fixed budget, with their performance reviews at stake, working with companies who know nuts about web standards

In fact, in all these aspects, usability ranks pretty much above web standards. In my case, I am responsible for a public service so my team needs to ensure that customers can find what they're looking for as quickly as possible; that their needs are met; and if not, that they should have a channel of communication to request for more information. You can have a website that's beautifully coded, with valid XHTML and stylesheets, that is difficult to use. You'd have won the battle, but lost the war. A lot of things need to work hand in hand for an optimal result, but some things are more important than others in satisfying the objectives.

But a little part of me (the part that joined WSSG - our Singapore web standards group) is nagging at my conscience, knowing that the job could be done better, that web pages could load a microsecond faster, that thousands of web pages could be controlled more easily with proper use of stylesheets.

And that comes back to why I need your help.

Updates

1. Found a presentation on Standards but it may not be suitable for management level as it's too technical
2. I forgot - who needs Web Standards when all we are allowed to use is IE?
3. Griping aside ... maybe I could argue that using Web Standards makes it easier to migrate pages into other mediums like handheld computers and phones? (However that's still a fringe activity as our mainstay will always be computer browsers).
4. Sadly, coming to think of it, none of my marketing or business books mention using Web Standards. Instead, it's all about strategy and communicating to your audience. Web Standards still belong in the realm of the geeks.
5. How do we explain the importance of XML or web services, in a country whose news websites don't even have XML newsfeeds? People are not exposed to these possibilities in the first place, so they do not understand their potential.
6. God's Smuggler, by HicksDesign, is a spanking good example of how to create a beautiful, usable website with web standards. More of this, please! I need to show it to management ...

Some of you will probably hate me for saying this, but I'm glad our Government is clamping down further on smoking in public places. (A rare link to an existing Straits Times article - get it before it disappears for good)

Smoking can be considered a form of drug addiction. There's nicotine in it and many more harmful substances than you want to know that ought to belong in a car or factory. Drug offenders hang for bringing in drugs to Singapore. Smokers get off with heavy taxes and self-inflicted cancer - and also affect the loved ones around them with second hand smoke. Killing someone instantly by mistake - in many other circles we might call it manslaughter. Fast death, slow death - does it matter, as long as it's a death and causation can be proven? (I mean, German parents get into trouble for neglecting their child, resulting in her slow death.)

But the tobacco industry has hypnotised generations of people with the image of 'coolness'. We are also exposed to many other images implying it is acceptable to smoke. I'm sure we've all seen a cigarette sticking out of the mouth of some Hollywood legend.

A friend of mine wanted to look cool at a bar in England and didn't know what else to do, so he whipped out a cigarette. As a child, I too thought it was also cool to have a mock cigarette in my mouth. At the old Isetan, my favourite chocolates were the sticks that were wrapped in cigarette paper and put into a fake cigarette box. Then one day it was no longer on sale. I didn't understand why.

Then I resorted to making fake cigarettes by putting baby powder onto a sheet of paper, rolling it up and blowing into it, creating the illusion of smoke.

My endeavours to mimic the Malborough Man ended with me slipping on my own powder and slicing my ear on a table corner, requiring me to go to the A&E unit where my own father had to stitch me up.

So, you could say that smoking was very bad for my health.

My colleague had the strangest dream today. That I got married suddenly, and to a Duke! No, it wasn't shotgun (and I don't believe in sex before marriage, anyway). She even gave his name, but the only match I found was a character in a romance novel.

Unfortunately she had no idea what I looked like, although she attended my huge wedding dinner and I had asked her at the last minute to be my MC.

Anyway this is just for the record - ludicrous as it is - just in case something terribly exciting happens. After all, a cell group mate had received confirmation from God that something better was in store for me.

Hmm ... Prince William?

*wakes up from dream*

I made a trip to Swee Lee at Bras Basah Complex today to pick up a microphone stand. There were too many models to choose from. Got hold of a more experienced-looking employee who gave me a good overview on choosing and using microphones (he even told me which mic stand was of inferior quality) and I settled for one that was reasonably priced. The studio chairs and scoresheet stands looked very tempting but I refrained.

Next was a nostalgic visit to Basheer bookstore, a favourite haunt of art students and designers. Beautiful books and magazines galore - if only I had the time to look at all of them!

While browsing their website as I was typing this entry, I noticed a hilariously mis-phrased line:

Basheer has not forgotten the secret of his success. Personalized service. If you don't fancy lugging heavy volumes, contact us. And our well-built staff will provide some serious off-line browsing.

A pity that the website's limited list of books doesn't do the shop's comprehensive floor-to-ceiling collection any justice. Maybe I should ask for a well-built Indian salesman to show me his wares.

Digital TV has finally arrived at our house. A youthful Arsenal beat Portsmouth 3-0. Glad to see Henry's back in action. They have a better chance with the FA Cup than with the Champions League - not a good goal deficit to overcome, against the Germans. Between the two teams, I think Oliver Kahn is still the better goalkeeper anyway - never thought much of Jens Lehmann.

My band needs a name. We're the last band in our music school that doesn't have one.

The old fogies band (aged 60 and above) is called Seasons in the Sun. The youngsters playing Top 40 hits gave themselves funky names like Overdrive and some other sound effects. Another band, playing dancy retro music, is called Equinox. My band's style is fusion jazz because we like to play a wide range of music and this was the most general way to classify ourselves.

Combining our band members' initials didn't help, for want of more vowels (let's just say it's nothing like ABBA).

My no-name band is going to play in a concert this June. We have to perform 3 songs. Our teacher wants the first track to be funk/acid jazz, the next to be Latin jazz, and the final one will be one of my own compositions. He's bringing in a 'power' tenor saxophonist so he can carry the melody. That takes a load of pressure off me and the other keyboardist. However, as band leader I have to choose the 2 songs and probably help to score them. Erk.

What should I choose? Something by Jamiroquai or Incognito? Something off Motown Records? A samba that hasn't yet been played to death? I trawled through my collection of 6000 songs, listening for a melody that could be carried by a sax. I toyed with the idea of Sade's Smooth Operator for a while, but thought a purely instrumental version might sound cheesy.

Other ideas so far: Flip Fantasia, So What (not sure if we can replace a muted trumpet with a warm sax, it might spoil the chilled-out tone).

In need of inspiration, I picked up 3 new R&B/smooth jazz titles, Ken Navarro's instrumental album Slow Dance, George Benson's Irreplaceable, and Brian McKnight's Gemini. And the new kd lang album, Hymns of the 49th Parallel, which I was planning to get ever since I went to her concert.

[Off-tangent rave: My PowerMac G5 rips CDs at lightning speed. Like, before iTunes can play half of the first ripped track, the CD's popped out already. Ten songs, each over 4 minutes long, ripped in 2 minutes. Eat my dust. Blah blah blah...]

This morning I awoke, knowing that I had nearly forgotten to attend a meeting to prepare for my church's forthcoming Alpha course.

I didn't really want to go. In fact I'd never have volunteered myself as a helper if my priest hadn't put my name on the list. I was honoured when he asked, but soon my old selfishness came into play. I knew most of my morning would be 'gone' and I had so many other things to do. Of course I'd keep God in mind but sometimes I just wanted to do things my way. Just like I disliked being interrupted by personal phone calls when I was at work, or being told it was time for dinner when I had a tune in my head - my flow of thought was interrupted!

Discouraged by the turnout at the last Alpha I helped out at, and remembering how some of us were chastened for not being hospitable enough, I only wanted to think of the good times I had at my own first Alpha - when participants came from all over the world and viewpoints were diverse and conversation was exhilarating - often going past the 10pm mark.

While I grew closer to the community and immersed myself in activities, I didn't want to know what church politics was going on in the background - but I would hear about it often enough to make me uncomfortable.

I joined a cell group after Alpha and had mixed feelings about it, largely because attendance was mandatory and it was implied we weren't devoted enough to God - when sometimes I really had other things on that evening that were difficult to get out of. As a new Christian it was extremely pressurising for me, especially when the rest of the family wasn't Christian and felt I was being unfaithful to them when I didn't join them for dinner! There didn't seem to be a soft option - nobody seemed happy with me, whatever I did.

So I spent most of my early days as a Christian, immersed in feelings of guilt, unworthiness and frustration, doing things I didn't really want to do, and pretending that I wanted to, because I didn't want to appear unfaithful to God.

Demoralised, I turned inward. I was a zombie in Church, absent in mind when the sermon got boring. I did not want to tell many people, especially new believers and freethinkers, that I was weakening spiritually. At night my prayers were asking for forgiveness and guidance and for the re-filling of the Holy Spirit. On good days, I'd testify to people with the Good News and give thanks when something good happened. Other days I'd just keep quiet because I did not want to discourage other people, to taint them with my cynicism.

In the darkness of all this, I headed off to church this morning, slightly late as I had for the first time misplaced my car keys. Part of me didn't want to go, wanting to use my absent-mindedness as an excuse to not show up. But it was a duty I was given, and I respected my priest too much to renege on my promise.

However the moment I stepped into the room, already filled with the sounds of worship singing, I felt different. These were good people - those who were trying to hold things together, who fought to put Alpha back on our church roster, who were trying to book better rooms so participants wouldn't get bitten by mosquitoes like the last time...

I joined in the singing and listened to their discussions, chipping in every now and then when I had something useful to offer. They were so experienced and well-meaning - how could I possibly be worthy enough to help out in Alpha? I was a self-centred workaholic who couldn't remember people's names - and now I had to know enough about each participant to pray for their individual needs? I couldn't possibly do that in a way that glorified God!

When it came to the end of the discussion, we closed with the usual prayers, open to anyone in the group who felt led by the Spirit to say something.

Now usually when I'm with elders I never dare to speak because their prayers are so wholistic, holy and mature that mine would pale in comparison. No, it isn't about using big words, but many times I felt insincere, above all, and knew that God could read what was really going on in my heart. I'd often be thinking, "Oh get on with it, I need to go home / do some work / write some music, and why can't we manage our time better, you said it would end at 10pm but it always drags on to 11 or midnight..."

But this morning felt different. After several people prayed, I felt so strongly compelled to burst out with what was really going on deep in my heart. For the first time, in a group of elders, I spoke out in prayer.

I prayed first for protection against the Evil One, be it spiritual or physical, as illnesses or distractions at work and at home. Some people said 'Amen' in support.

As my eyes were closed I started to see a light, a strong flickering light. This is the light I always see when certain people (like GT) pray. I last saw it at my house blessing last December. This was the first time it appeared when I prayed and I knew it was because I was finally praying from the bottom of my heart. (No, I was not facing a window)

The light got stronger and stronger as I continued praying - for the protection to extend to all members of our church, and that our church would be united again. The 'Amens' were so loud and unanimous I could almost detect a voice of triumph in them, that someone had finally acknowledged it openly.

Tears were flowing down my face, uncontrollably, and I wiped them off with my hands. A couple more people prayed, and after that I went to wash my face. I was overcome.

And now I feel a little different, lightheaded perhaps. I no longer feel weary from the little sleep I had. I dared to pray aloud, and I dared to openly talk about issues that were disturbing me. Like a pent-up dam that finally broke forth - represented by my sudden wash of tears.

Have a blessed day ahead of you.

Stephen P. Williams, author of 'How To Be President', just wrote in to me after reading my review of his book. I'm glad to hear that he was glad to hear that I liked his book. Thanks!

Somehow, I've got myself honorary listing as a Canadian website.